Dear aai & baba,
I know how shocked you were to see my picture in a frock, drinking wine. And I understand why. We come from a middle class family with very conservative values. We live in a world where wearing a sleeveless top is considered both, unusual and alienating from morality. It certainly raises many eyebrows. Drinking any form of alcoholic beverage is looked down upon as an act of moral degradation restricted to those people who are aimless, hungry to satisfy their sensory pleasures and have no values or principles that they stand up for.
My perspectives about these things have been changing slowly as I try to integrate myself with life in US. I tasted alcohol for the first time in my late 20's, first out of curiosity and as an adventure. I started drinking in social settings. Given the background of how I was raised, I have given quite a lot of thought about whether or not it is morally OK to drink. And here is what I think. I think that drinking just adds one more dimension of pleasure to the set of pleasures you get when you're consuming something. You eat to fill your stomach, but you savor a sumptuous meal because it tastes good; and tasting something good on your tongue sends pleasure signals to your brain which makes you feel good. When you drink alcohol, it plays with your mind or brain directly, irrespective of whether or not it tastes good. It silences the nagging voice at the back of your head and suddenly you feel lighter, no longer bothered by the practical matters of life. So it makes you joyful, just like consuming good food does, but at a different level. It is not morally wrong to drink alcohol occasionally. It certainly is troublesome when you become addicted to it or when you can no longer enjoy life without having alcohol or when you become dependent on it to make you feel good.
While my views have changed, your views haven't. You fiercely believe what you used to believe. And so do our relatives. For our society, a girl drinking a glass of wine and wearing knee-length frock is a sign of total moral degradation. You can't fathom the idea that your daughter has radically opposite views than yours. You might think that I am a whole different person, which I am not. I just got a chance to see a world opposite of my known world, meet diverse people in different strata of society as compared to people my younger self was friends with, started debating and questioning my belief system, and have been revising and revisiting it. Iterating over my belief system is something I have done in the past too, before coming to US. I used to have total faith in god as a kid, and started questioning god's existence and had been leaning towards atheism as I grew up. I keep debating about pros and cons of having faith in superpower every once in a while. Isn't this natural for us, human beings, to revisit and revise our belief system, as and when we stumble upon differing ideologies? Isn't this something that all of us do?
What I'm failing it is communicating this to you. A picture taken out of context has little meaning to it, and can mislead the viewers. Perhaps you picture me acting the same way back in your world, and that doesn't fit in. But that's not how it is. Rather than concluding that your daughter has alienated from higher moral principles, I encourage you to take a step back and rethink over the following questions:
- Almost everyone I know here drinks in social settings. So does it mean that all of them have lower moral values?
- None of my Indian friends wear Indian dress (aka salwar kameez) in settings other than at Indian festivals. Does that say that all of them are ashamed of being Indian and have no pride about their country?
- Why are only the women in India supposed to carry forward the tradition of wearing Indian clothes, where as men have forgone wearing Indian clothes (aka dhoti-kurta) long, long ago?
- For all relatives who commented on my drinking, did anyone comment about boys/men in the picture who were also drinking? Or again, is it the case that our society permits boys to drink, but when a woman drinks, she has stooped to a lower moral standard?
- Whenever someone says that "Had I been in their shoes, I wouldn't have done so-and-so", I really don't believe them. Unless you actually were in their shoes, you never know how you would behave.
I feel as if I am dealing with two opposite worlds that co-exist on the same planet and to whom I have been a witness to. What I am trying to do is the impossible task of building a bridge between these two worlds, but I know this bridge is shoddy, weak and needs more work. I just wish that it gives you some idea about my point of view. Or so I hope.
Your daughter
I know how shocked you were to see my picture in a frock, drinking wine. And I understand why. We come from a middle class family with very conservative values. We live in a world where wearing a sleeveless top is considered both, unusual and alienating from morality. It certainly raises many eyebrows. Drinking any form of alcoholic beverage is looked down upon as an act of moral degradation restricted to those people who are aimless, hungry to satisfy their sensory pleasures and have no values or principles that they stand up for.
My perspectives about these things have been changing slowly as I try to integrate myself with life in US. I tasted alcohol for the first time in my late 20's, first out of curiosity and as an adventure. I started drinking in social settings. Given the background of how I was raised, I have given quite a lot of thought about whether or not it is morally OK to drink. And here is what I think. I think that drinking just adds one more dimension of pleasure to the set of pleasures you get when you're consuming something. You eat to fill your stomach, but you savor a sumptuous meal because it tastes good; and tasting something good on your tongue sends pleasure signals to your brain which makes you feel good. When you drink alcohol, it plays with your mind or brain directly, irrespective of whether or not it tastes good. It silences the nagging voice at the back of your head and suddenly you feel lighter, no longer bothered by the practical matters of life. So it makes you joyful, just like consuming good food does, but at a different level. It is not morally wrong to drink alcohol occasionally. It certainly is troublesome when you become addicted to it or when you can no longer enjoy life without having alcohol or when you become dependent on it to make you feel good.
While my views have changed, your views haven't. You fiercely believe what you used to believe. And so do our relatives. For our society, a girl drinking a glass of wine and wearing knee-length frock is a sign of total moral degradation. You can't fathom the idea that your daughter has radically opposite views than yours. You might think that I am a whole different person, which I am not. I just got a chance to see a world opposite of my known world, meet diverse people in different strata of society as compared to people my younger self was friends with, started debating and questioning my belief system, and have been revising and revisiting it. Iterating over my belief system is something I have done in the past too, before coming to US. I used to have total faith in god as a kid, and started questioning god's existence and had been leaning towards atheism as I grew up. I keep debating about pros and cons of having faith in superpower every once in a while. Isn't this natural for us, human beings, to revisit and revise our belief system, as and when we stumble upon differing ideologies? Isn't this something that all of us do?
What I'm failing it is communicating this to you. A picture taken out of context has little meaning to it, and can mislead the viewers. Perhaps you picture me acting the same way back in your world, and that doesn't fit in. But that's not how it is. Rather than concluding that your daughter has alienated from higher moral principles, I encourage you to take a step back and rethink over the following questions:
- Almost everyone I know here drinks in social settings. So does it mean that all of them have lower moral values?
- None of my Indian friends wear Indian dress (aka salwar kameez) in settings other than at Indian festivals. Does that say that all of them are ashamed of being Indian and have no pride about their country?
- Why are only the women in India supposed to carry forward the tradition of wearing Indian clothes, where as men have forgone wearing Indian clothes (aka dhoti-kurta) long, long ago?
- For all relatives who commented on my drinking, did anyone comment about boys/men in the picture who were also drinking? Or again, is it the case that our society permits boys to drink, but when a woman drinks, she has stooped to a lower moral standard?
- Whenever someone says that "Had I been in their shoes, I wouldn't have done so-and-so", I really don't believe them. Unless you actually were in their shoes, you never know how you would behave.
I feel as if I am dealing with two opposite worlds that co-exist on the same planet and to whom I have been a witness to. What I am trying to do is the impossible task of building a bridge between these two worlds, but I know this bridge is shoddy, weak and needs more work. I just wish that it gives you some idea about my point of view. Or so I hope.
Your daughter
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